Letting Life Out

One week and three days ago…

I went to a concert at a local church. It turned out to be a stop on the Love Come To Life Tour, with Big Daddy Weave, MIKESCHAIR, and Kerrie Roberts. It was so amazing, being able to worship God with the musicians and other concert-goers; in a way, I felt like I was home.

That night, March 11th, God touched my heart and showed me my path—-my life is to be spent glorifying Him through song, to make my living as a worship singer and bring God’s love to the ears of those who will listen to what I sing.

Much change is ahead in this life, according to the plan the Lord has laid out for me, and quite frankly…I’m super stoked! :D

How Time Passes, Coincides

This time last week, I was sleeping in the bed across from my friend’s bed, in her dormitory room at the university I used to attend. We had walked downtown, something I hadn’t done in that city since I left it ten months ago. We came back to do homework after dinner, and eventually, we fell asleep.

Now, here I am a week later, typing this blog post.

At certain points throughout this day, I would think, “Just to think, at this time, I was…” and feeling some remnant of the happiness I had felt at the moment from the day last week when I traveled to my old university. I had been so happy to see my friend and, throughout the course of my stay, just a couple of friends I had made during my year there, who were either staying on campus through the four-day weekend, or was visiting the school (as in the case of one I know, who graduated). I spent most of the time with the friend I stayed with, going around town being goofs, both outside and inside the dormitory room, like I had never left. Her suitemate, also a friend of mine, came back the night before I had to leave for home, but we got to spend some time together. When my friend was helping a classmate with homework for their class, that second friend and I did some errands for an old professor of mine, and then she drove me there to surprise him, as he was one of my favorite instructors at that university. We had a thought-provoking, reflective conversation while my friend left to do some other errands, and when she came back, it was adieu to my old professor, and to the dormitory. My bags and our other friend packed in her car, we headed for the train station that, just a few days earlier, I had been picked up from, to catch the train home. I was sad to go, but I knew I had to.

Of course, I know there will be days when I wish I was back up there, at that university I used to attend. However, I will remind myself of the simple fact that I simply cannot return as a student to that particular school. You might say my mind will change, and knowing me, it very well might, if I can get the money together to do so. But for now, my choice still stands. If I ever go back to that school, again, it will be as a guest in the dormitory where my friend lives, when our schedules allow and funds are present.

While I was there, I saw the person that ultimately sided me over to dropping out. I’m not being melodramatic when I saw that the very sight of her made me feel physically sick. Seriously, the sound of her voice, the sight of her, knowing she was in the same place I was in such near proximity, scared me enough to root me to my chair and render me silent. I was short of becoming a nervous wreck. I had faced a conflict: go to the nearby bathroom and stay there until my head (and stomach) cleared, or stay with my friend and wait it out until we left where we were at. I chose the second option, because the last time I had left an uncomfortable moment to go to the bathroom, I had returned to my friend quite upset, and that other girl was standing there like she was Ms. Innocent. I wasn’t about to land my friend in that situation again. However, there were a few minutes of that time when I sincerely wished that I could become invisible. Thankfully, I didn’t have to suffer that other girl anymore throughout my visit; my friend and I were able to go about our business without conflict.

I need to do as well as I can at the community college I attend, that I can. I can’t do anything less. I’m already disappointing myself, even with others telling me to give myself some credit, not to be so hard on myself, but how can I not be? I would love to be able to tell myself that a C on my first lecture quiz in my Biology class was a building block, or that the criticisms written in the margins of my English paper were suggestions to improve my writing. With the Algebra getting harder, though, I know I can’t let anyone down.

I won’t let starting over at a new school be my failure.

It can’t be.

Being Back

Hello, all! I have taken a visit to my old college. As I type, I am sitting on the spare bed in my good friend’s dorm room, after my first whole day back on this campus. It’s kind-of weird, being back here. Over the two nights that I have now been back here on this campus, I have walked around the campus itself, and downtown with my friend. I have greeted past classmates since I arrived late yesterday afternoon, which was kind-of surreal. I mean, so much has changed since I left, in the past 10 months since I left without fully knowing I would never come back. I leave for home on Monday evening via bus and train…and even that sentence is weird to me. There was a point when I called this campus home, and now that doesn’t apply anymore. it scares me a bit to be back here, honestly. I had a panic attack today after a flashback of one of the bad things that happened during my last semester here, in a dorm building across campus. It wasn’t as bad as it can get, but it was still an attack, nonetheless, complete with the shakes that I hate.

I miss this place. I honestly do. Although it has been the site of memories that I wish I can forget, and experiences and people in my life that I have wished many times I could erase from my life as simply as a mistakenly written sentence on a piece of paper, it was a nice place before things went to the pits for me.

I almost wish I stayed. That I didn’t formally withdraw from the school’s system. That I could be roommates with the good friend sleeping in the bed across from me, instead of being accommodated over a four day weekend visit.

Crappies.