you are for me - kari jobe.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are..
There, I did it. He’s treating me like a friend, a distant friend and not the close relationship we had just a couple of days ago. I’m screwed. He hasn’t said it yet, but I’m sure he’ll say it soon. I just HAD to bottle everything up instead of letting him know what was up each time he’s ever asked me what was wrong. But no. I kept it all inside and it came out in a stupid, small novel of a Facebook message that was so inconsiderate of certain things, not to mention tactless. He said maybe we both need change, and he just needs to think. IDIOT! I MADE HIM FEEL SO GUILTY HE MAY NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME ANYMORE! I feel so damned STUPID! Just a couple of days ago we were thrilled to be able to say we’ve been together for 8 months, and now three days later, it feels like everything is falling apart. It feels like WE’RE falling apart. No matter what I’ve said to him, he doesn’t know what to do with himself because he feels so bad about doing those things, even though I forgave him, he can’t forgive himself. Last night, he cried himself to sleep. He said that seeing my face would only make him cry more, and he turned off his webcam on Skype. Someone told me it isn’t the end of the world if he does leave me, but what’s the use in believing in that? If he breaks up with me, I don’t DESERVE to have anyone else love me. I fuck it up. I hurt more than I heal, I just fuck it all up. I’m tired of thinking that I can say what I feel, because all it does it FUCK. THINGS. UP. I don’t care anymore. If he leaves me, I give up. I said I’d fight for him, but if there’s no one to hold on to when I reach out for him, to hold him like I promised? Then what’s the use? The current me will have no use. I might as well go back to how I was at my other school, toward the end. Because right now, my joy is fading as he is becoming farther and farther away from me, and once it’s gone…I think I might just follow.
Merry Christmas Eve and Day, and if I don’t post before then, have a Happy New Year!
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
-Jesus Christ: He taught me to be forgiving and always reminds me to be kind and calm and patient.
-Mom: She has taught me to look at the logical side of things, but to retain creativity, as well.
-Dad: By observing him, I know to stay away from alcohol.
-Daniel (bestie): He taught me to be true to myself and embrace the arts even more.
-Michael (boyfriend) : He teaches me to stand up for myself and my ideals.
-Mr. McLane (fourth grade teacher): He really made my current love of music take root.
-Pastor Hyde (my pastor and boss): Influences me to be diligent musically, also has taught me to become a better musician and person.
-Chente Cervantes (choreographer): Taught me that there are a few decent people in this world that have a bigger and a longer lasting influence than less decent people.
I can’t think of two more.
Until next time folks, be well,safe and healthy!
I went to a concert at a local church. It turned out to be a stop on the Love Come To Life Tour, with Big Daddy Weave, MIKESCHAIR, and Kerrie Roberts. It was so amazing, being able to worship God with the musicians and other concert-goers; in a way, I felt like I was home.
That night, March 11th, God touched my heart and showed me my path—-my life is to be spent glorifying Him through song, to make my living as a worship singer and bring God’s love to the ears of those who will listen to what I sing.
Much change is ahead in this life, according to the plan the Lord has laid out for me, and quite frankly…I’m super stoked! :D
This time last week, I was sleeping in the bed across from my friend’s bed, in her dormitory room at the university I used to attend. We had walked downtown, something I hadn’t done in that city since I left it ten months ago. We came back to do homework after dinner, and eventually, we fell asleep.
Now, here I am a week later, typing this blog post.
At certain points throughout this day, I would think, “Just to think, at this time, I was…” and feeling some remnant of the happiness I had felt at the moment from the day last week when I traveled to my old university. I had been so happy to see my friend and, throughout the course of my stay, just a couple of friends I had made during my year there, who were either staying on campus through the four-day weekend, or was visiting the school (as in the case of one I know, who graduated). I spent most of the time with the friend I stayed with, going around town being goofs, both outside and inside the dormitory room, like I had never left. Her suitemate, also a friend of mine, came back the night before I had to leave for home, but we got to spend some time together. When my friend was helping a classmate with homework for their class, that second friend and I did some errands for an old professor of mine, and then she drove me there to surprise him, as he was one of my favorite instructors at that university. We had a thought-provoking, reflective conversation while my friend left to do some other errands, and when she came back, it was adieu to my old professor, and to the dormitory. My bags and our other friend packed in her car, we headed for the train station that, just a few days earlier, I had been picked up from, to catch the train home. I was sad to go, but I knew I had to.
Of course, I know there will be days when I wish I was back up there, at that university I used to attend. However, I will remind myself of the simple fact that I simply cannot return as a student to that particular school. You might say my mind will change, and knowing me, it very well might, if I can get the money together to do so. But for now, my choice still stands. If I ever go back to that school, again, it will be as a guest in the dormitory where my friend lives, when our schedules allow and funds are present.
While I was there, I saw the person that ultimately sided me over to dropping out. I’m not being melodramatic when I saw that the very sight of her made me feel physically sick. Seriously, the sound of her voice, the sight of her, knowing she was in the same place I was in such near proximity, scared me enough to root me to my chair and render me silent. I was short of becoming a nervous wreck. I had faced a conflict: go to the nearby bathroom and stay there until my head (and stomach) cleared, or stay with my friend and wait it out until we left where we were at. I chose the second option, because the last time I had left an uncomfortable moment to go to the bathroom, I had returned to my friend quite upset, and that other girl was standing there like she was Ms. Innocent. I wasn’t about to land my friend in that situation again. However, there were a few minutes of that time when I sincerely wished that I could become invisible. Thankfully, I didn’t have to suffer that other girl anymore throughout my visit; my friend and I were able to go about our business without conflict.
I need to do as well as I can at the community college I attend, that I can. I can’t do anything less. I’m already disappointing myself, even with others telling me to give myself some credit, not to be so hard on myself, but how can I not be? I would love to be able to tell myself that a C on my first lecture quiz in my Biology class was a building block, or that the criticisms written in the margins of my English paper were suggestions to improve my writing. With the Algebra getting harder, though, I know I can’t let anyone down.
I won’t let starting over at a new school be my failure.
It can’t be.
Hello, all! I have taken a visit to my old college. As I type, I am sitting on the spare bed in my good friend’s dorm room, after my first whole day back on this campus. It’s kind-of weird, being back here. Over the two nights that I have now been back here on this campus, I have walked around the campus itself, and downtown with my friend. I have greeted past classmates since I arrived late yesterday afternoon, which was kind-of surreal. I mean, so much has changed since I left, in the past 10 months since I left without fully knowing I would never come back. I leave for home on Monday evening via bus and train…and even that sentence is weird to me. There was a point when I called this campus home, and now that doesn’t apply anymore. it scares me a bit to be back here, honestly. I had a panic attack today after a flashback of one of the bad things that happened during my last semester here, in a dorm building across campus. It wasn’t as bad as it can get, but it was still an attack, nonetheless, complete with the shakes that I hate.
I miss this place. I honestly do. Although it has been the site of memories that I wish I can forget, and experiences and people in my life that I have wished many times I could erase from my life as simply as a mistakenly written sentence on a piece of paper, it was a nice place before things went to the pits for me.
I almost wish I stayed. That I didn’t formally withdraw from the school’s system. That I could be roommates with the good friend sleeping in the bed across from me, instead of being accommodated over a four day weekend visit.
I am undertaking the 30 Day Challenge, as put out by the radio station K-LOVE, to only listen to Christian music for all thirty days. I think that it would be appropriate for me, especially now that I’m going through the stress of starting school again, and all the processes and forms that involves. I need something to hold on to as the stresses that come with being unemployed also bombard me.
I do hope for change. I do feel God will help me to do good.
I took a very important step towards improving my life on the 10th—-I went to the local two-year college, completed my application, and got my student ID card. Today, I go for the assessment to see where I place in Mathematics and English, then sort out some financial aid stuff. Some day after that, I’ll be calling to make an appointment with a counselor to help me arrange my schedule, and next week, I’ll be a college student once again.
Now, this may not sound like much. I mean, there’s a lot to get done in such a small span of time, yes. What I meant is, some might just view it as applying and attending community college. To me, though, it’s a start. It’s a break from the monotonous days of lazing around the house, staying up late and sleeping in late. It’s a reason for me to get out of the house and be social, an outlet to enable my mental engagement in homework, practices, and paying attention during lectures. I get to be a student again, and this time, I have a plan.
My academic plan, as I specified on my application, is to earn my Associate’s Degree from the two-year college, then transfer to a UC or CSU school for another two years to earn my Bachelor’s Degree. After I told my boyfriend this information over chat, he asked what I ultimately wanted to do after college, to which I replied with my hope of auditioning for a music label/company. He said “ah…you’re gonna be a star,” and I told him I’d very much like to be. I added a long statement in elaboration, which I will post here:
"But as for the present and immediate future, I really want to learn how to sing better, along with better my less than favorable piano skills. I’m not necessarily going to school for the degrees themselves, but for what they’ll represent. I always want to learn more about music and how I can make my sound shine, highlight my best and improve my not-so-good parts, and I hope to that all my life. I think I’ll consider [community college] and any other school I attend after that as boot camp, so to say, for the world after school is completed."
I am going to work hard over the next two years that I’m hoping to complete at this two-year college. I want to learn and grow as a student of academics, and as a student of music. I want to hear my inner voice to be heard, and I want to unlock its full potential. I have so much to learn, to hear, to know, to do, but I’m up for the challenge.
Here I am, College World. I was away for a while, but I’m back. Better be ready for me!
This is a post that I made in the early hours of December 31, 2011, about what the day and new year would bring. As I didn’t have internet, but do now, I will post it now.
Dec. 31, 2011
As I type, the rest of the house is asleep—house, referring to my parents. I was reading The Summoning by Kelley Armstrong and stopped after finishing Chapter 24 to do this. Call it silly, but I wanted to type something up on this, the morning of an eve of an end to one year, the new year approaching within double digit hours. My internet allowance is up until January 5th, so a WordPerfect 10 draft will do just fine for this. 2011 was quite a year, in a number of different meanings of the word, and I wanted to highlight as much of the biggies of the year as I can.
January found me in college after a winter break, at a private university where I studied music performance, located in one of my favorite areas of the state. I turned 19 years-old, and a huge gift to the cause was from my parents—a chance to see Jeff Dunham’s Controlled Chaos tour show in Fresno, at the SaveMart Center. It was the start of a second semester that I looked forward to after being away from the campus, enthused to learn more both in the areas of music and interdisciplinary general studies.
The one thing I can remember from February was Valentine’s Day. A few friends of mine and I went to a small Thai restaurant not too far from campus. It had been raining, and I had been a stupie head and didn’t wear a hood or carry an umbrella. The dinner was fun, and if memory serves me right, we all went to the best ice cream place in town afterwards to stay warm for a while. Although that night was fun, I had both memories and a cold to remember the day by, the second token being the least appreciated of the lot.
March was a month, indeed. I went through an emotional roller coaster throughout St. Patrick’s Day, and during the last part of the day, I felt like my world was teetering, like one slight touch could send it crashing around me, and I experienced a fear that I may have felt before, but certainly not to that intensity. Before this, though, my mother was in a minor car accident, which we thought would hinder my being able to get back to the campus, on the same day that my boyfriend was leaving for boot camp (thus, why I was only there for that weekend, to say goodbye). That was also an emotional day, turned more emotional when I was invited to go to the Armed Forces office with his attending family members to have more time to say goodbye than I had the previous night, when we had spent quite a while talking about a number of different topics.
April was also big, but it was more of a reaction month to March. I thought I had experienced depression before, but it had never been so overwhelming that sometimes I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. Regrettably, it was also when I self-harmed for the first time in my life. It was a damaging habit that had an impact on me physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially, along with academically. I found myself involved in trying to save someone who was beyond any help that I could provide, and this person inflicted their own damage on my emotions and academic focus. I think that it was around this time that I opened up to my music theory professor, told him that the university didn’t feel like a home to me anymore, and that if I had to leave right that second and never come back, I wouldn’t object.
May marked final exam week and bidding adieu to roomies, friends, and classmates for the summer break. One of my closest friends came along with my parents to help me pack my belongings to go home, which was very welcomed. Even with my feelings about the school, I was going to go back when the fall semester started up again, try to make a new start. Honestly, I had no idea that I was never going to have that chance again. I sang the National Anthem and spirit songs with the a capella group I was in on campus at the commencement ceremony, and I had no clue I would never get that chance again. So many endings, hoping for new beginnings, all ending up tied before the knot can form, so to speak. The first of the month marked one year since my boyfriend and I started dating, which was plenty nice. However, that night there was a dance on a boat on the water, and I spent the majority of the night sitting by the window and crying; not to mention, I was depressed and thinking stupid things.
It was in June that I made the huge decision to discontinue my education at the private university. There were plenty of tears, because even though I knew that I wouldn’t miss the drama, I would miss the people I met, the places on campus and around town where fond memories were made, and that hurt. My mother’s main concern was that I was doing it solely because of our troubling money situation. To be truthful, along with wanting to avoid anything like what I had gone through that year already, the finances were a part of it. I had resolved to become employed somewhere as soon as possible so that I could be a contributing member of the household when the tuition loan bills came in some time during the following year.
I remember going with one of my close friends to a house of a family friend for an Independence Day pool party deal in July. I also got the sunburn and opportunity of opportunities when me and the same friend dressed up and lined up for the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2. It had been fun, and we had been able to catch up with some friends from high school who were also there for the showing. I took lots of pictures on my cell phone that day/night/next morning, and it marked my first ever midnight premiere ever. During this month, my father got into a car accident that totaled his pickup truck, and he had to get a new one. It was stressful then, just as it’s stressful dealing with the aftermath of the wreck.
August was difficult to handle, because that was when I would have begun my second fall semester at that university. I still talked to a couple of friends that were still attending, and when they talked of the new semester and getting ready to move back into the dormitories, I felt something like homesickness, contrary to my feeling that the campus didn’t feel like home to me anymore. However, the friends I still talked to even after I left the university were my home. I had said time and time again, be it to myself in thought or to others aloud, that if I could go back only to see them all again, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I can’t remember much about September, really.
October marked one of the best Halloweens ever. In a party with a Halloween theme before the actual day, I had so much fun and got to meet and reacquaint myself with a bunch of awesome people; we all danced, chugged Pixie Sticks (I lost), sang, jumped around, and even dealt with a tiny bit emotional soreness before the night wore down and everyone went home. For the Halloween I mentioned, I went over to one of my best friend’s houses for a party, before heading with the bunch to the local junior college, where a mass trick-or-treating group was assembled and led to the nearby residences. It was one of the best Halloweens, ever. Not to mention, it was the first year I wore anything close to a skanky costume, which wasn’t what I was aiming for; I honestly didn’t think the skirt was that short, but the look on the host of that first Halloween themed party seemed to notice right away (just from his reaction, and it was nothing pervy).
November hosted a fine Thanksgiving with family and one of my besties. Needless to say, I had been more than thrilled to not hear about how well my cousins are doing with jobs and schools, time and time again being reminded that I had neither of those preoccupations.
December has been great. Christmas was spent with my grandparents some day before the holiday, some of my boyfriend’s family on the eve, then my own family the day of. Everyone got what they wanted for Christmas and more, and we all had a wonderfully relaxing holiday. My boyfriend was kind enough to send me gifts for Christmas (although I told him that he didn’t need to, as he’s far away and trying to save money to purchase a vehicle), which included my first microphone. I’ve since gotten the necessary cords to enable recording on my laptop, which has yielded some pretty clear sound. My mother and I have a fun New Year’s itinerary of sorts for today, filled with nail painting/decorating, necklace crafting, DVD watching, board game playing, treat baking, and I might try to do her hair in a French braid style. I’m very much looking forward to the fun.
This has been quite a year, no doubt about that. I’ve had my absolutely awesome moments, terrifying times, lowest points, trying times, difficult decisions and more in 2011. As weird as it might sound, seeing as if given the choice to change some things that happened or erase them completely, they’d be gone in a snap, I wouldn’t have it any different; I simply can’t imagine my life any other way. I’ve come to realize that this is a new path, and although it may not lead me back to that university or the way things would be if I hadn’t dropped out, I can’t see it any other way. True, I don’t have a job, but I want to try attending the local junior college soon. I’ve been filling out job applications, and I think this next year, I might learn how to drive. Everything has happened for a reason, that is what I believe. All of those bad memories will make me a stronger person who will appreciate life even more, like all the happy times will enable me to seek more happiness from life and enjoy it all the way through. Drama may come and go, as it always does, but I believe from what has been thrown my way, I’ll become strong enough to deal with it calmly and rationally. I can’t let the bad times make me a cold person, nor can I let the good times make me so naive that I expect no wrong to come to me, because I know it will in one form or the other.
I am ready for 2012, to ring it in with my mother through fun activities and bonding time. I hope this new year will be one for changes for the good, that some fortune comes our way in some shape or form. No baggage, only strength. Have a Happy New Year’s, and whether you make resolutions or not, just remember to take things as they come, and to not let yourself harden against the world, but remain open and warm.